How to Adapt to Being a New Step-Mom

You have found your “perfect” guy, and you are floating on Cloud 9. He has met your friends and your family and life is moving along fabulously!  He has talked about a future together.  Oh, there is one teensy little thing, it’s nothing you can’t deal with, just a little thing – he has a child!  She’s young and you are feeling confident that you can win her heart, just like her daddy won yours.  Or he’s a little older, and you are a bit apprehensive, but again you feel confident – after all, you manage a department in a corporation.  You know that there will be difficult times ahead, but how hard can it be?

Becoming part of a family that already exists is difficult.   Nothing you do will be the first, not the wedding, nor having a child together.  This is a loss that needs to be acknowledged by you and your partner.  There are many other people involved:  his family (what is the relationship between his parents’ and siblings’ and the ex-wife? Or “wife-in-law” as I like to call her); your step-child’s mother (your wife-in-law); her family – oh it just goes on and on.  And your family! How will it all blend?

It can; it takes a lot of work, a lot of communication, a lot of listening, a lot of understanding, a lot of support and a lot of humor.  Did I say humor?  A lot of humor!  While often difficult, it can be an amazing experience and can teach you more about yourself than you ever thought possible.  So many questions arise that you would never have thought of:  Who will set boundaries with the children; how will I set boundaries for myself?  Who will set expectations for the children – his own, and any children you have together? What will you do if your spouse doesn’t like to discipline? How will you handle that in your house?  Your own feelings of guilt in general can run amok; never mind his feelings of guilt.  And if you are a people pleaser, all of this can be even more difficult, yet this is where I think the real growth can come.  Because in this situation, you really cannot please everyone.  It is so important to take care of yourself.  I know you are thinking, it’s a child, they’ve gone through a divorce, it’s not about me.  I just need to love, love, love them.  To make things normal.  But you need to understand this is the new normal (I do hate that expression, but it kinda applies here).  There are tools you can learn, support you can count on.  You don’t need to go it alone.  You are not alone.  Reach out and find the help you need.